Nicky “Necktie” Bambino

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Nicky “Necktie” Bambino

Just in time for the New Year party,

Nicky breaks out the finest threads.

He has striped ties, black ones, white ones, too.

But just what is up with that head?

Black and white ones, and polka dot ties.

He’s the schnazziest guy in the town.

Unfortunately, he also happens to look like a necktie.

He tries not to let that get him down.

He’s easy to find when looking in a crowd,

Imagine what he says to a blind date.

All the tailors struggle to dress him,

He brings a new meaning to the figure eight.

Sammy “Santa The Sneak”

Sammy “Santa The Sneak”

Twas the night before Christmas and in every home

crept and long lanky santa who would lurk and would roam.

His beard was just dangled from his ears by some string

in hopes no alarm would chime or would ring.

In one hand a crowbar to pry and to pop

and a sack to nab, to steal and to “shop”.

Down through the chimney Sammy slips and would slide

and out through the door with pride in his stride.

On latches, on locks, on alarms and on chains

or naught will be left of the Christmas remains.

Families and children will ask, “But Why?”

Oh Sammy Santa, what a terrible guy.

“Snappy” Walker

“Snappy” Walker

Snappy, Snaps, Snapper, Snap whatever you call him,

certainly snaps a lot.  I mean a lot, like obsessively.

He once tricked the enemy mob to think he had a machine gun.

He can do a four finger snap, double quick snap, one hand clap,

eight finger snap, and even the toe snap.

Snappy also thinks he is a snappy dresser, but with those

shoulder pads I would dare to call him Tacky Walker.

His hair is so greased, hats slip off.

Everything he does is punctuated with a snap, so

be prepared for one liners, two liners, the two step,

and the commonplace two face remark.

Oh Snap!

Pete “The Plumber”

Pete “The Plumber”

Knock knock, here to fix your sink.

Let’s hope you aren’t a fink,

or on his list as a blockage or a leak.

Pete makes house calls but it ain’t to fix a clunking pipe.

He stole the toilet in the police station.

The case is dead; they have nothing to go on.

Pete never bites his nails.

He had to register his wrench as a weapon.

Knock knock.

(An Illustration Friday Special for the “Sink” theme)

Moonshine Malloy

Moonshine Malloy

Moonshine is quite a memorable character,

though he might not remember you.

Malloy has got the secret stash, and guards it with his life.

If you stop by, it’s best to go alone, because he will be

seeing doubles and crowds make him nervous.

Moonshine has it all and a few specialty labels such as:

White Lightning, Sleepy Time, Warm Me Up Scottie, and

the “backroom” specials such as Blind, Deaf, Mute, and Blackout.

Treat it with care; to Moonshine Malloy it’s more important than

blood, probably because his body is more moonshine than blood.

Chuckle Jones

Chuckle Jones

Chuckle is a good guy, though it’s hard to really know.

He has been in court eight times but only ever laughs.

The judge doesn’t find it as humorous as he.

They film sitcoms with him as the only audience member.

He is the best to tell a secret; he won’t ever be able to tell.

Chuckle is also the best to tell a joke,

even a bad one or something that isn’t funny at all.

Just protect your knees. He slaps his knee, your knee,

and everyone’s knees. He thinks that is funny as well.

He laughs when all alone; that is awkward.

They say laughing burns calories;

Chuckle has set a few houses on fire.

Give Chuckle some credit, life is funny.

Jimmy “The Driver” Fink

Jimmy “The Driver” Fink

Watch out next time you jump into a cab.

There’s no game show inside this taxi.

Jimmy is a driver, but a tip better not be all you leave.

His fares aren’t fair, and he doesn’t use a meter.

The Driver decides where you go.

He fits six passengers, four extra seats

and two in the…well, you know.

Jimmy’s cab has a big trunk, but don’t bring any luggage.

No smoking inside the cab, only Jimmy can smoke.

Now get out, this is your stop.

Madame Fox

Madame Fox

Madame Fox is the queen of the flappers.

Things just might flap that you would rather not.

The Madame wears fox fur, but they aren’t dead.

She loves animals too much to kill them

so she forces them to lay around her neck.

They eat with her, it’s quite a sight.

She had a few run ins with them though, considering

the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Madame Fox likes to dance but she makes records skip.

She goes to the nightclub, but makes the band skip.

Madame Fox is the queen, she owns this town.

Old Cal Calhoun

Old Cal Calhoun

Cal is old.  He has never had another nickname because he

has always been older than everyone.

There is no one that can actually verify his age.

His glasses cause accidents, and mass ant burnings.

Cal has conversations with his knees and elbows.

He tells them to do things, but they don’t listen.

Cal’s memory is in black and white, and silent.

Cal used to rob banks in his heyday; and by heyday I mean

when banks were a chest at the foot of your bed.

In his most recent attempts, the police politely escort

him out the door before he can pull out his bow and arrow.

Harold “The Head”

Harold “The Head”

This is Harold. We don’t talk about his head.

He doesn’t wear hats.

I mean, his hair is even having trouble holding on for dear life.

He has a second mattress for a pillow.

He is deathly afraid of billiard halls.

The Aztecs pray to him for blotting out the sun.

You’d think he would be the brains behind the operation,

or maybe keep the books.  No, that’s not what he does.

Harold is the distraction.

He keeps those coppers busy.

(An Illustration Friday Special for the “Round” theme)