“Sidecar” Sid

“Sidecar” Sid

He’s the fastest driver that’s ever been,

aiding getaways since nineteen ten.

Fastest thing on four wheels or two,

hold on tight, he’s coming through.

No cars for him, you might think it bizarre,

so you’ll have to ride in the sidecar.

Sid once had to help three thugs flee,

that was quite the sight to see.

Three sidecars all in a daisy chain,

zipping through traffic, lane to lane.

Sid’s plaid scarf was flapping in the wind,

was the last thing they saw before giving in.

“Sidecar” Sid escapes again!

He is driving the coppers totally insane.

But he’s not just a gangster livery,

He also does Chinese delivery!

Lucca “Lucha” Libre

Lucca “Lucha” Libre

The masked man strikes again!

Extortion, robberies, and smuggling abound.

No one knows what he really looks like,

not even his mom!

(We know, we interrogated her.)

If you have seen this man, been robbed by this man,

or recently clothes-lined, flying monkeyed, or body slammed,

please contact local authorities immediately.

There has been a rash of sightings and it is unclear

if there is a mob of these men, or just one, changing masks.

Be on the look out for Lucha Libre wrestlers in your neighborhood.

Last seen wearing a white suit, black tie, a fedora

and a luchador mask.

We believe his name is Lucca. Lucca Libre.

Leo Black

The 50th Mobster!

Leo Black

(In the style of a 1930s Jim Croce)

Drive in his car, he’ll play the guitar,

sit right back and he’ll sing you a track.

Grumpy, frumpy, old and lumpy,

this big boss is Leo Black.

Shrewd, crude and rather rude,

he controls the land, south of the track.

Joking, smoking, always provoking

everyone from the river and back.

There was a sighting, which incited fighting,

when I got lost and found Mickey Mac.

Chaw was smacking, knuckles cracking,

I said, “Hey, Mac, cut me some slack.”

Mac grinned in the wind, and I was pinned

“Hey, I’m just a kid, and they call me Jack.”

Down on the ground, in the wrong part of town,

I needed something to stop this attack.

Black came out from my car, with my guitar,

Mac looked at him crazy, as he began to unpack.

“What’s with the case, gonna sing us a song?”

The boys came at Black to give him flak.

Then the boys all fled, away from the lead,

shooting from the case, clack clack clack!

Leo Black may be mad and real bad,

I’m just glad Black had my back.

Judge Atticus

Judge Atticus

(In the style of Jeremy Irons)

Oh, Judge Atticus, appointed for life.

Must be nice to be free from strife.

Trials in and trials out,

you seemingly judge without a doubt.

But we wonder why mob bosses run free.

Could it be, you’ve taken a fee?

Even when couples come to court to be hitched,

it seems as though you become more enriched.

The gavel comes down on a poor man, blamed.

Yet everyone knows that he’s surely been framed.

They say justice should be objective and blind.

The latter is covered, with glasses of that kind.

But the scales you carry do not weigh facts.

They weigh something green, let’s call it a “tax.”

For Illustration Friday‘s: “Hitched”

Bruce Boxer

Bruce Boxer

(In the alliterative key of B)

Boxing buffs, bring big bucks!

Booking bets before boxing bell bangs!

Buy big beers by betting boxes!

Brace before brilliant battles.

Bruce Boxer brawls Big Bad Bart!

Boss Boston bets Bruce Boxer beats Big Bad Bart.

Bam, Boom, Bang, Bop! Bloody, bruising bludgeoning!

Bruce busts Bart’s belly. Bart bangs Bruce’s back.

Bruce bounces back, bashing Bart’s breast.

Bart bounds, besieging below Bruce’s belt.

Bruce bends, broken, but boxing bells bing!

Boss Boston beckons Bruce. Boss binds bricks

between Bruce’s boxing bindings.

Boxing buzzer buzzes!

Bruce boomerangs, backfiring Bart,

bloodying brains, breaking bones.

Bart befalls blackout.

Bruce buries bricks behind back before being barred.

Porter Jones

Porter Jones

Hey porter, hey porter, can you lend a man a hand?

Help me in, and set me up, this hotel here’s rather grand!

Hey bellhop, hey bellhop, can carry this here bag?

But be easy on it, its worth a lot, but I really don’t mean to brag.

Hey doorman, hey doorman,  I don’t have a tip for you,

I don’t have have much, so a thanks will just have to do!

Hey bellman, hey bellman, I can’t seem to find my key!

Would you do me a kindness and open my door for me?

Hey deskman, hey deskman, need to speak to the manager now!

 Someone broke in my room, and I just can’t figure out how.

Hey manager, hey boss, what kind of place are you running here?

I lock my room, but when I come back, everythings-a disappear.

And a tip of the hat to Johnny Cash